huck Funny Status Messages

   I just saw a guy with a hook hand and a ponytail. Dude, you cut off the wrong thing.

   "Pew pew pew! Pew pew!" - excitable church architect.

   Hey people still doing fireworks. My dog hates you.

   If you live to be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people... Like you ate a pinecone every single d

   When I order delivery online and there's a "Notes" box I put "Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON"

   the best way to understand paranoid people is to follow them around.

   "Where is it? Oh there it is. Where'd it go? I can't see it. Is that the puck? Oh there it is...wait, lost it again." - me, watching hockey

   Need to get up early tomorrow so I've set my neighbor's leaf blower for 6 a.m.

   While reciting the alphabet, we all turn into rappers when we get to L M N O P. That's the gangsta part.

   When I see names carved into a tree I don't think it's cute, I just think its strange how many people take knives on a date.

   I wish my grade school teachers could see how much better I've gotten at hardcore spacing out.

   Business Plan: 1. Hold sign that says "Free Hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it's $50 to let go"

   My favorite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.

   Kids are more sensitive to bullying these days because they never grew up dealing with the dog from Duck Hunt.

   Regardless of how much time you think you waste, just know that someone created a very detailed Wikipedia page for Grumpy Cat.

   My fiance and her mom say more in one phone conversation to each other than my dad and I have in my entire life.

   You know how people dread going to the dentist? I feel that way about getting out of bed.

   I would put a webcam in my shower to make extra money, but I would hate having to only sing public domain songs.

   You know what they say. So I guess I don’t have to tell you.

   If you ever feel like a failure, just know that somewhere in the world, someone just lost their straw inside a Capri Sun.