Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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Page: 14 of 5827

   messageicon Let's get married. Whoever gets out with their soul wins.
←Rate | 07-08-2018 13:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Not to brag, but in some circles I am known as “That chick who always knocks stuff over.”
←Rate | 07-14-2018 12:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You can tell the Beastie Boys were really close because they would finish each other’s sentences.
←Rate | 07-18-2018 07:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon it's so hot, Bloods and Crips have resorted to shooting each other with super soakers
←Rate | 07-25-2018 14:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My life is like when you're holding your laundry and a sock falls and you go to pick it up and two more fall and eventually everything is on the floor.
←Rate | 08-22-2018 09:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon That annoying moment when you cannot find the long side of your blanket.
←Rate | 09-10-2018 06:51 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
←Rate | 09-14-2018 07:21 by Stevielea Comments (0)  


   messageicon My Girlfriend says our sex-life is so bad because I get so easily distracted? Ah well!..back to it I suppose!
←Rate | 10-21-2018 05:44 by Truman Comments (0)  


   messageicon KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal Me: Family?
←Rate | 10-21-2018 06:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I totally understand how batteries feel because I'm rarely ever included in things either.
←Rate | 10-27-2018 19:43 by Bindi Comments (0)  


   messageicon Kids, here's how to get double candy on Halloween. Put on your costume. Then cover it with a sheet. Go to door the first time as ghost. Take sheet off go back again with other costume. Bam double candy. Happy Halloween.
←Rate | 10-29-2018 16:25 by Haha Comments (0)  


   messageicon There is no such thing as a stupid question except maybe "Isn't about time you IRS guys audited my return?"
←Rate | 11-06-2018 11:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Goodbye, everyone. I'll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
←Rate | 09-28-2017 08:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I hate it when I tell someone I'll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway
←Rate | 02-06-2018 04:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I Went to the Valentine's day parade downtown, it was nothing more than a drunk guy wandering around with heart on.
←Rate | 02-14-2018 16:45 by MDS Comments (0)  


   messageicon Wild horses could not drag me away from this lasagna dinner because they lack opposible thumbs and organizational skills
←Rate | 03-06-2018 12:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
←Rate | 03-13-2018 02:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Our dog just winked at me, and now I am trying to figure out what secret we are keeping from the rest of the family.
←Rate | 04-09-2018 11:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon One thing that I have noticed about conspiracy theories is that they all depend on the government perpetrators being endlessly clever. I think you'll find that most government perpetrators are endlessly stupid.
←Rate | 04-10-2018 09:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I can't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.
←Rate | 07-31-2017 14:53 by Corn Squeezins Comments (1)  




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