Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I drink I don't need a designated driver, I need a designated hide my phone person

   No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you're just going to toss and turn all night, it'll be confused.

   When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica

   Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is to know what rhymes with "Hug me" Love, Robin Thicke

   Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair* “It says here you ran a marathon?” Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”

   (First date) Her: I like men who take charge. Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*

   I would pay good money to see that Mayhem guy from Allstate hook up with Flo from Progressive.

   Don’t ask me! I’m 60 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.

   As a kid, I was less concerned about Goldilock's safety than I was about Mama and Papa bear not sleeping in the same bed anymore.

   My ability to remember a song lyric from the 80’s far exceeds my ability to remember why I walked into the kitchen. ‬

   [Morgan Freeman narrating my life] "He's still sleeping.

   INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job? ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine

   Just about all husbands lie on their tax returns by listing them self as head of household.

   A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn't know it was even possible to be this jealous.

   All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt

   *Drops French fry in the crevice of car seat* Join your brothers and sisters sweet child

   This Male Order Bride is the worst and most expensive typo I've ever paid for.

   Scoopable cat litter makes me feel like the worst miner ever..

   Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.

   About to pull these steaks off the grill. It's my neighbor's grill, but he went inside and I don't think he can see me...