Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 137 of 6369
I got one of those "No Bullying" bracelets. But I didn't pay for it, I took it away from a guy who is smaller and skinnier than I am and then I threw him into a dumpster.
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08-25-2019 13:46
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youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you're not bored while he fixes it.
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08-25-2019 15:49
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I've been starting my diet tomorrow for the last 20 years.
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08-25-2019 16:17
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i saw a license plate yesterday that said 'i miss new york,' so I smashed their window and stole their radio
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08-25-2019 16:18
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othing is more frightening than accidentally making eye contact with a guy who runs a mall kiosk.
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08-25-2019 16:22
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I'm glad it's college football season again, now we have an excuse to drink at 9:00 AM on a Saturday.
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08-26-2019 14:26
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Accidentally used the dog's shampoo today, and I'm feeling like such a good girl.
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08-27-2019 04:21
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Don't waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
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08-27-2019 04:22
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My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
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09-05-2019 06:15
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Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
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09-06-2019 12:27
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I remember when social networking was something that happened in person. How awkward.
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09-24-2019 15:21
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My friend just accused me of cheating in poker, I think he is just mad I won with 6 king
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09-25-2019 22:16 by Luka
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There's 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
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09-26-2019 15:27
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So my wife doesn’t like the new body wash she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like kiwi apricot for the next four weeks.
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10-02-2019 06:03
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Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
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10-05-2019 17:45
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Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located? Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
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10-06-2019 17:21
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The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
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10-08-2019 05:34
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Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
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12-19-2019 05:40
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How long are you supposed to wait before you unpause the tv after your wife tells you she wants a divorce?
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10-23-2019 04:43
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Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
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12-11-2019 13:25
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