Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife was sad, so I showed her my boobs. Apparently, that doesn’t work both ways.

   I just failed a captcha test 3 times in a row. I can’t believe this is how I’m finding out that I’m a robot.

   Someone just gave me half a peace sign, that’s weird.

   I have a crush on 28 of you, figure it out.

   I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

   Cats have 32 muscles in each ear to help them ignore you.

   God Bless Rednecks! Merica!

   Teacher: “Today we will be talking about depressed people who share jokes all day as a coping mechanism.”

   Don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it REALLY works.

   I’m sorry for the things my face said while you were talking.

   When you pull up a power point presentation to show your cat how fat it is.

   If liar’s pants really did catch on fire, watching the news would be a lot more interesting.

   Studies show that cats understand human commands, but don’t care to follow them.

   I’m old enough to remember when paper bags were blamed for the destruction of trees and plastic bags were the solution.

   Mercury is in reverse cowgirl again.

   I make 6 figures, but the zeroes are in the front.

   You know how food is supposed to taste good? Let’s make it not like that. ~ The British

   Your guitar is out of tuna. ~ Cat

   There’s someone for everyone, and the person for you is a psychiatrist.

   You are what you do, not what you say you’ll do.