Funny Status Messages for FacebookThousands of statuses to update your Funny Facebook Status, Twitter status, or profile.
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X says Word to the wise - make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an a$$hole.
X is I spend more time looking in the fridge than I actually do eating.
X is I wanna be rich enough to have 11 little people who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast.
X Most popular words spoken by a Pastor today..."Wow ...I haven't seen you since last Easter "
X If you see a porcupine in your yard, that's my cat and we're not done with our accupuncture session.
X I shouldn't have had that 14th cup of coffee... I CAN'T EVEN BLINK ANYMORE!
X says Trillions of stars. Billions of galaxies. So many civilizations. But you’ll never explore one. You’re stuck here on earth hearing about the damn Kardashians.
X is If you workout and don't post a status about it on Facebook, do you still lose weight?
X Remember when you ordered from Columbia House... the first 5 times?
X is I had ADHD as a kid but they had a different name for it. They called it sit down and shut the h*ll up or get medicated with"the belt."
X If you watch Godzilla backwards its about a dinosaur who passionately pieces a city back together before moonwalking into the sea.
X In life, it seems the group of people who are easily offended and the group of people who are easily confused tend to be the same group.
X Whenever anyone asks me who I'm on the phone with I say...."Jake, from State Farm!"
X is I've just seen an advert in my local newspaper. ACCOUNTANT NEEDED! $35,000 - $40,000 So I called them up and said, "The answer is -$5,000."
X says All women are crazy but if you pretend to listen to them when they talk, they will let you live.
X I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I'm fat and can't run for more than 2 minutes.
X Who came up with the brilliant idea of moving the clocks forward on the weekend...in the middle of the night?? Why not move them ahead on a Friday around 4PM?
X Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don't sleep in the same bed anymore.
X There's nothing more awkward then asking "who is this" when getting a heartfelt holiday text.
X says If you keep your child on a leash in public, I will not hesitate to ask "Does he bite?"