andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.

   Fun thing to do #48: Spice up your food delivery order by ending the call with "And NO cops!"

   There’s no excuse for laziness.. but if you find one, let me know.

   If news about a movie being made upsets you, why not work out your anger by getting out your oils and painting a masterpiece.

   it just me or is waking up at 3am and trying to read a text message is like looking directly into the sun?

   I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I’m making important life decisions.

   my superpower is getting tired after doing nothing

   It's nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he's getting hit by a train.

   I’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

   I'll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.

   Mary Poppins was just called Mary before she got into breakdancing.

   Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don't know Netflix exists."

   Hey girl, are you an angel? Because your hair's in my pasta. I'd like to speak to the manager.

   My friends and I played fantasy football in high-school. No league, we just constantly thought about the cheerleaders.

   Seems like my body should have better things to do than make ear hair.

   New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you.

   Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed on them

   "Figuratively ain't no sunshine but the actual sun continues to warm Earth when she's gooone" -Bill Withers, concerned about starting panic

   Every time you have McDonald’s as a kid, it’s a victory. Every time you have it as an adult, it’s a defeat.

   If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way