father OR dad Funny Status Messages

   A pregnancy test that also tells who the father is. But instead of a stick, you pee on Maury Povich. Don't worry, he's into it. TRUST ME

   Mary had a little lamb Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, Between two hunks of bread.

   Three times when it is OK for a man to cry: At your father's funeral, when a heroic dog dies saving his master, and when Mr. Happy gets caught in your zipper.

   I live by my father's motto: "Life is a football game. Try to fall asleep in the first quarter and complain if anyone shuts off the TV."

   Who are you going to believe - me, a husband and father with no criminal record, or some fancy HD security footage from Victoria's Secret?

   Asked my 65 yr old father if he believed in gay marriage. His response "I saw my friends die for freedom. That means freedom for EVERY American."

   "Dad what's an infinite loop?"..."Ask your mother."... "Mom what's an infinite loop?"... "Ask your father."... "Dad what's an infinite loop?"... "Ask your........

   I brought my M16 in the house the other day and my father asked me what I was so afraid of, I answered "the d$mn Decepticons" I laughed, my dad laughed, the toaster laughed , I shot the toaster...

   Funny thing I just heard my computer call out to it's father......"Data"

   Chicken strips because Chicken never knew her father.

   Bowe Bergdahl’s father looks like that Duck Dynasty guy.

   Dear Dad, Thanks for not pulling out! Happy Father's Day!!!

   Shout out to all the deadbeat dads and sperm donors this Father's Day. Unbeknownst to you, there are kids everywhere that are becoming AMAZING PEOPLE because they want to be nothing like you.

   Today is the most confusing day in the hood... You are not the father!!!!! Maury

   Just wrapped up a great Father's Day with a phone call with my Dad. He taught me everything I know about fishing, grilling,and fixing things. He also taught me what to say and how to say it if I stub my toe or hit my thumb with a hammer. Thanks Dad!

   Another successful year no random father's day cards in the mail!!!

   If my father taught me one thing, it was probably how to take both hands off the wheel to sarcastically applaud people in traffic.

   My father dies from ALS, get off the subject and start writing funny stuff...

   Forgive them father for they are not civilized or educated.

   A 4 year old black boy was brutally beaten by his father. Where's your outrage black community??