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X My dad thinks LOL stands for "Lots Of Love" and texted me "Dick Clark just passed . LOL"
X One of these days I'm going to show up at this WHO CARES hole-in-the-wall you just "checked in" on 4square & slap your phone out of your hand.
X I was just at my neighbors house for dinner but I had to leave unexpectedly,,,,,,, they came home.
X There's a ninja knocking at my front door,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, He must be new at this..
X If you've been married for more than 10 years,, You KNOW that Ken dolls are anatomically correct
X My current cardio workout consists of taking a fistful of Exlax right after I see a "Next rest stop,, 25 miles" sign on the turnpike
X Our dog actually figured out how to work the can opener... I'm not worried tho, because he still can't read & just keeps opening up creamed corn.
X My panic room is any public bathroom that has run out of toilet paper
X We should hang out and stare at our phones.
X Everytime I give blood,,, they asking where I got it..
X says Has anyone gotten a "your mom" tattoo instead of one that says "mom"?... I can't be the first to think of this can I ?
X I rewrote a new ending for my autobiography... This time, I live.
X I used to have a tattoo of a ninja on my shoulder, well played tattoo ninja,,,,, well played
X Do you have neighbors?.. Do you have extension cords?..... Are you paying too much for electricity?
X We're a family team here, we all need to pitch in. Cat, lick your butthole. Dog, eat my shoe. Fish, swim in your own filth.. I got dishes......And BREAK
X If you invite me for dinner and serve ground turkey tacos,, you may as well turn on some Nickleback and wizz in my Fresca too........
X My fondest childhood memories are having to stay at the kennel while my parents went off to all those Amway conventions
X This donut scented car air freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
X WAIT,,,I Just read that grizzly bears can run faster than horses?. THEN WHY AREN'T WE RIDING GRIZZLY BEARS?
X I'm sad I'll never get to see the joy and confusion on some archeologist's face when, in a few thousand years, he tries to explain the "Shake Weight" ..