Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon It’s cute when you try to string words into a complete sentence.
←Rate | 01-23-2023 03:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I live at work and visit the house sometimes.
←Rate | 04-17-2022 00:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When a dog wags it’s tail, it’s happy. When a cat wags it’s tail, step back.
←Rate | 04-20-2022 02:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Doctor Doggo: “Hmmm…. I see. Have you tried barking at nothing? That might help.”
←Rate | 01-08-2023 12:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It’s called a joke, we used to tell them before people got drunk on soymilk.
←Rate | 01-08-2023 15:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You must’ve been born on the highway, that’s where a lot of accidents happen.
←Rate | 07-07-2022 00:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Whole Foods announced that a Prius left it’s lights on in the parking lot, and now I have the whole store to myself.
←Rate | 01-09-2023 03:55 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When you show up at the orgy and it’s actually an intervention.
←Rate | 06-07-2022 02:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon There are two kinds of people, the ones who pack six days before a trip, and the ones who wake up the day of and realize they need to do a load of laundry, and then they marry each other.
←Rate | 06-28-2022 23:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When someone is driving like a jerk, so you look to see how dumb they really look.
←Rate | 06-30-2022 00:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Transitions Adaptive Lenses: “Experience life well lit.” Me: Oh, I will.
←Rate | 04-17-2022 00:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If your food blog requires me to read more than two sentences to get to the recipe, I’m ordering a pizza.
←Rate | 04-18-2022 21:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Her body tensed and quivered as she felt wave after wave surge through it. Probably should have warned her about the new electric fence.
←Rate | 04-19-2022 10:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Whenever I hear someone say, “my therapist said,” my ears perk way up. That’s free therapy.
←Rate | 04-21-2022 10:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I’m kind of glad dinosaurs are extinct. Pretty sure I’d try to keep one as a pet.
←Rate | 07-04-2022 02:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hope your wife brings a date to your funeral.
←Rate | 01-19-2023 04:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Those who are capable of tyranny are capable of perjury to sustain it.
←Rate | 05-11-2022 00:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
←Rate | 06-07-2022 02:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I sprinkle profanity in every sentence like its parsley.
←Rate | 06-07-2022 02:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon And a step backward, after making a wrong turn, is a step in the right direction
←Rate | 06-26-2022 15:20 Comments (0)  




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