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X Vodka is the drink of feelings. Whiskey is the drink of revenge against feelings. I'll take one of each, please.
X Would You Like a Table?” … “No not at all, I came to the restaurant to eat on the ground. Carpet for 5 please.”
X Ben Franklin started 1st Colonial Printing Press using Hemp paper. Not saying he smoked it. Lots of sober guys fly kites in Thunderstorms.
X If it weren't for physics and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable.
X After 10 Dos Equis beers, I think I'm the most interesting man in the world.
X The correct answer to "How are you?" is "Fine." If you ever stray from that dialogue, please know that nobody gives a sh!t.
X Cashiers are always checking me out.
X Unless life also gives you sugar and water, your lemonade's gonna suck!
X Bullsh!t, cheaters ALWAYS win. That's the point of cheating. If you cheated and didn't win, no one would ever cheat.
X In grade school it's called bullying but when you get older it's referred to as upper level management.
X If Target sends you coupons for rope, garbage bags, and bleach, abort the mission. They know too much.
X I hate when cashiers ask you if that's everything. Oh no, I'd also like all this invisible sh!t.
X It's hard to be naked and baked without wondering why the two words don't rhyme.
X If there's one thing that I've learned it's, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
X False praise helps no one. That's why I tell children exactly how terrible their drawings are. It's called Managing Expectations.
X Gadaffi has been killed but unfortunately the 14 other spellings of his name remain at large.
X There aren't many passengers on this train of thought.
X My advice for pretty much anything that's broken is "did you try and jiggle it?".
X It's time to stop making the same old mistakes in your life. Get creative. Make some new ones.
X I just heard a woodpecker call me a 'paranoid old weirdo' in morse code.