Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   When they eventually find the center of the Universe, a lot of people will be surprised to find out it's NOT them...

   I don't allow men to smoke in my room, but women can. Hell, they can barbecue a goat if they want.

   Sometimes I read Facebook status updates and I can't understand them. Then I say to hell with it and read some that aren't mine.

   Wishing your pets could talk is fun until you remember everything you've ever done in front of your pets...

   exceptionally frustrated! How can I creep your Facebook page when I have to wade thru your farm, mafia, daily luck, horoscope, quiz results, lover/friend of the day, cafe world, and everything of which you've now become a fan? Make it easy on me people!!!

   My plans for this weekend are so top secret even I don't know what they are.

   I just accidentally sat through the commercials of a show recorded on my DVR. Every time I do that, a part of me dies...

   I think this day just took a hard right onto WTF blvd...

   I miss the days when covering my eyes would make me invisible...

   If you're happy and you know it, share your meds.

   My motto is "never say never." Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto.

   I think that good friend is worth pursuing, but why would a good friend be running away?

   if you can't say ridiculous things with a straight face, there's probably no room in management for you.

   When you have a good imagination, you can make up all the facts you want.

   Do fathers who live in barns say to their kids "Open that door! What do you live in a regular house?"

   I'm wondering why the phrase, "It's none of my business" must always be followed by, "but?"

   Everything is funnier when you aren't allowed to laugh.

   I almost landed a huge fish when my line snapped. It was a reel disappointment...

   According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes... and women say the first thing they notice about men iss they're a bunch of liars.

   I try to live every day as though it were my last, and who wants to do laundry on the last day they're alive?