hihuggiehi Funny Status Messages

   If you pay a 55-year-old chain-smoking divorcee named Babs to sit nearby and drink beer, Wii Bowling gets a lot more realistic.

   My New Year's resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.

   Just got fired from SuperCuts for suggesting we change our name to 'Shut the hell up. You're at the Mall. What did you Expect?''

   When asked which method of payment will be used, I always put "in collections".. that way they can just skip the middle man.

   Apparently this couple in the park holding hands were not trying to start a pick up game of Red Rover

   You would think these "self checkout" lanes at walmart would have a curtain or something....this is embarassing :-[

   Tonight I'm playing hard to get off the sofa.

   Remember, they're laughing with you, not at you. They're only pointing at you so you know who they're laughing with.

   Dear Colonel Gaddafi: If you are going to use human shields to protect yourself from rebel attacks....May I suggest using Snookie, Justin Bieber, Casey Anthony and the Octomom

   Friends are just people I hate marginally less than everyone else.

   facebook should have an "I've seen enough" button.

   Its funny how head and shoulders becomes head, shoulders, knees and toes, when I run out of body wash.

   A fun way to freak out a friend who's engaged is to suddenly take her fiancé's last name & then tag yourself in all of her Facebook photos.

   AXE Bodyspray for Women: Now women can become IRRESISTIBLE to men by wearing fragrances like "Breathing", or "Just Being Alive in General".

   It's bullsh!t that 1-800-PET-MEDS won't deliver medicinal marijuana to my dog.

   If they made Siri a man's voice I'd trust the directions more.

   Occasionally, I like to go to walmart, buy a jar of Vaseline, a cucumber and a Bottle of Gin and wink at the cashier

   How about a cooking show called "Cookin crap in the Microwave".

   Hope I'm never call-into-a-morning-radio-show-for-advice depressed.

   You know it's getting bad when the voices in your head start texting you