Kisstopher707 Funny Status Messages

   I like to welcome visitors to my home with a warm, and sincere 'Goodbye'.

   It's so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man's name. No I don't want to hold Grant but can he look over my investment portfolio for me

   Social media is great if you like socializing without wearing pants.

   The worst part about watching movies at the cinemas is not knowing how much time you have left until the end of the movie.

   Maybe I talk to myself because I'm my own therapist

   I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

   My mother taught me to never argue with strangers on the Internet. She said I must agree to meet them in real life, and then punch them in the face.

   Its already too late for some of you ladies to find Mr Right and I would advise you to just settle for Mr. What's Left or you will die alone.

   You call it a "one night stand," I call it "catch and release."

   Brain: Let’s dance. Legs: We don’t do that. Tequila: Just give it a minute.

   This is the worst carnival ever. I can't believe they blocked the street off for this. Sir, this is a crime scene.

   When Kanye West blows out candles on a birthday cake he wishes it was his birthday, instead of whoever's party he's at.

   People really need to get with the times. Smartphones are not for talking anymore.

   5 "Lets all put our phones down and talk with each other.." - Someone who has run out of phone battery.

   My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills... I almost responded

   Apparently, I tip hotel maids by forgetting my iPhone charger every time I check out. Every. Single. Time.

   “You make me a better person.” - Me talking to my cup of coffee.

   "She's cute I swear, let me find a better picture." – Me telling my friends about my new girlfriend.

   my brain has too many tabs open.

   Now I totally understand why Peter Pan didn't want to grow up!