Huck Funny Status Messages

   Spring-load me into my coffin. If grave robbers want my gold they have to climb the tree I land in.

   Thanksgiving tip #23: Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it's written on before Thanksgiving.

   I like to think this spider on my windshield during my morning commute is on his way to his own office job, too. I bet he's a web developer.

   If I'm ever found dead in the mountains with a pair of hiking sandals on my feet, know that I was murdered & made to wear some dork's shoes.

   Do you think in China the forklifts are called chopstick lifts?

   BREAKING: Study shows several boys not brought to the yard, despite allure of milkshake.

   I have 2 hairstyles – cute and homeless

   Life Tip: Get a birthday card with anything you are embarrassed to buy.

   FACT: Cops love donuts.... just not when you do them on a four lane highway.

   How to open a card: 1. Pretend to read card 2. Pretend to not look for money If money found: 3. Show gratitude OR 4. Feign gratitude

   I believe in love at first sight, and love at last call.

   4:43am Neighborhood Watch Report: my neighbor gets a super creepy look on his face when he's sleeping.

   Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman's hat on it is not the button for a free fireman's hat.

   The tv remote fell under the bed so I guess it’s TBS, on an uncomfortably high volume, for the next 5 years

   When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the "math" part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.

   Sorry, I brought neither the noise or the funk today.

   I'm sure someday I will go to a Chinese restaurant and be mature and able to resist doing Chopstick Walrus, but today is not that day.

   Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we're camping. With an angry bear close by.

   People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just being ambidextrous.

   I would love to be a fly on the wall at this restaurant because it looks like the flies are having some kind of party on the wall!