Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 115 of 6369
If the best things in life are free, why am I still charged when I go to the liquor store?
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10-11-2018 14:16
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Young people will wait longer in a self-scan isle at the grocery store so they don’t have to deal with humans, but old people will wait longer in a regular lane so they don’t have to deal with computers.
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10-24-2018 06:56
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You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, all you've lost is a regular pigeon.
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10-24-2018 14:00
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Imagine the disappointment if a wolf knew its descendant would be a pug. That's how your grandpa feels when he sees your man bun.
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10-26-2018 12:17
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I was Christmas shopping for a friend's daughter... I asked what she was into and he said "anything Frozen" So, I got her a bag of peas and some pizza rolls.
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10-26-2018 15:59
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Why do baby clothes have pockets ?
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11-08-2018 04:05 by Corious
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I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
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12-11-2019 15:06
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Look at me all out and about on a week night like some kind of rock star. Target Cashier: Credit or debit?
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10-30-2019 00:58
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YES YES YES YES YES -me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
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11-18-2019 08:49
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Ever been trapped in the corner of your shower because the cold water is running?
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01-15-2020 06:55
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“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
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01-15-2020 13:56
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Darn, I missed the Grammy awards show again, which makes like 10 years in a row now.
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01-28-2020 08:29
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My boss said that I intimidate coworkers. I stared at him until he apologized.
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02-24-2020 07:46
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I hurt myself doing the Safety Dance.
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03-02-2020 12:19
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I told myself that I wouldn't drink today, but nobody ever listens to me.
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03-04-2020 14:49
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hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a Walmart men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
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03-06-2020 10:18
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Before we die of corona, anyone wanna admit they have a crush on me?
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03-14-2020 07:29
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Don't care about nudes, send me a video of you washing your hands
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03-22-2020 08:07
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Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
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03-27-2020 09:43
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If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
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04-05-2020 08:37
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