Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wanted to be an astronaut until I found out they make you come back.

   If you think men are the stronger sex, watch a man react when the girlfriend says "what did you just say to me?"

   Who else's favorite Spring time game is "Guess how deep that pothole really is."

   One person forgetting to take their medication can really liven up a mundane day at the office.

   We need a montage of dads trying to order for the whole family in drive-thrus

   Remember: One person's LOL is another person's WTF.

   If wookies have a 400 year life span, then Han Solo is basically like Chewbacca's third dog.

   There’s actually a thing called “Play Dates “ in 2018. In 1984 we called that “Going outside to play”

   How do you people have the time to hate a stranger on the internet?

   If smartphones existed in the 80's, most of us would have a parole officer.

   What’s it called when your hard work doesn’t pay off?

   Appearing on several episodes of Cops doesn't make you a TV star.

   I know there are idiot Savants, but are there Savant idiots ?.. Because lately stupid people sure do think they are smart !

   Don't come to me for advice.. we'll end up buying a bottle.

   Maybe it's the washer and not the dryer that steals the socks.

   Why are Zoey and Zoe pronounced the same way but Joey and Joe aren't?

   Business plan : 1. hold sign that says "free hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it's $50 to let go"

   My boss wants to send me for training in Time Management. Yeah. Like I'm supposed to fit that into my already overloaded schedule.

   A new study says we should change how we feed cows so they don't produce so much of the greenhouse gas methane. First up, they recommend eliminating taco night.

   Somebody needs to start a dating site based on Netflix viewing compatibility.