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X watching Home Alone 2 wondering how child services haven't taken him away from his parents yet.
X says I've reached the most difficult moment in parenting: explaining to my son why the first Star Wars movie is Episode 4.
X is Why do they still print the phonebook? "Gee, thanks. Here's a large printed portion of the internet for me to throw away."
X says I really don't understand how a dog can eat it's own vomit, lick his own butt, eat all his shi t and be fine and then they eat half a candy bar and die.
X is "Common sense" is dead an buried. What we have today is "rare sense".
X You don't know true competition until you're one of the last two people in musical chairs.
X is If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is "My god how does he drink his beer??", You might be an alcoholic.
X says Most kids today wont understand the joy of playing with the telephone cord.
X says Please leave your ego at the door so other people can wipe their feet on it before entering.
X says Men say women should come with instructions. Hello! When was the last time you saw a guy read the instructions?
X is Even if women came with a set of instructions, men would toss them aside without reading them.
X Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.
X says Friday. The golden child of the weekdays. The superhero of the workweek. The welcome wagon to the weekend. The famous F word we thank God for every week.
X says I dont know who is more pathetic, the idiot who opens and runs a celebrity parody twitter account or the idiots who follows and re-tweets thinking its the real celebrity.
X I hear Katy Perry hired Taylor Swift to write her a break-up song. Adele is producing...
X says If cartoons can wear the same clothes everyday then so can I dammit.
X says Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account.
X says great idea for an April Fools Prank ... Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace their wallpaper with a screenshot of their old desktop.
X Boat on land. Worst escape vehicle ever.
X is When my kids grow up, I'm going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I'm bored & then just leave!