SEAN Funny Status Messages

   If you're routinely referring to yourself as a grown man, chances are you're not.

   I'm surprised the back of soy milk cartons don't have missing hipster children.

   If you're having a weird pain today remember, tons of people die from that stuff all the time.

   You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.

   Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft.

   Just used my Dollar General receipt to build a really cool fort for the kids.

   The worst part about someone asking how you've been is when you realize, "Oh, great. Now I have to ask about you."

   Nothing tests human willpower more than your phone vibrating in your pocket while someone is telling a story.

   Okay, 45-year-old divorced women on Facebook who are "LUV'N' LIFE!" Calm down. We get it.

   Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope's car.

   Fun Fact: Even though they call it a "man hole", you can shove women and children down it just fine.

   Cutest thing I saw today was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently.

   I didn't sign up for the 401k at my new job, because there's no way I can run that far.

   Did Da Bears really just march into Green Bay and beat the Pack, just wanted to Daaable Check

   PRO Halloween money saving tip, put an empty bucket on your front porch with a sign that reads "Take One"

   "When there are 700+ customers in the store, all but one cashier must go home."

   When I see a Scion in my rearview mirror I always pull over and let it pass so no one's late to the Hoobastank concert.

   Be careful! Fox News reported that 30,000 people have died trying to sign up for Obamacare!

   I grew up poor in the 80's. My whole family had to share one headband.

   Ghosts don't seem as scary when you remember that a lot of 'em have names like Jeff or Becky.