Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   had a handle on life but it broke

   fresh out of witty sarcasm

   now available without a prescription

   "now available in all stores. Side effects include: unusual bleeding or bruising, nausea and death."

   [censored]

   sick and tired of always being sick and tired!

   melting in your mouth not in your hands

   knew the aliens would let him go sometime.

   the epitome of excellence.

   Used To Be Schizophrenic? But They're OK Now.

   walking on sunshine.

   "so adjective, he verbs nouns"

   Scientifically proven not to induce insanity in chimpanzees

   Never expecting the unexpected making the unexpected the expected

   "going to snap, crackle, and pop your neck"

   Training for the next Olympic games

   ENGAGED!! ..........in a good cause

   just bought another load of laundry at Kohl's..

   wondering why x is referring to x self in 3rd person

   still sore from dropping the soap