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X I went to walmart today... I got the cart with three wheels and a hoof.... This always happens to me.
X That chili I ate last night is causing gas bubble noises to occur in areas of my body that were previously believed to be solid chocolate
X If you don't enjoy scaring dogs by talking through a cardboard wrapping paper tube, don't bother stopping by my house on Christmas morning.
X I'm NOT political,,,,, just wondering if the 'once you go black' rule applies to presidents...
X I always read my Krispy Kreme order from a pretend list,, so they think I'm getting donuts for the whole office.
X ACME Rockets has filed for bankruptcy after losing both N. Korea and Wile E. Coyote's accounts.
X You can't afford a bar of soap, but Beer,, Cigarettes,, & $700 worth of tattoos is not a problem?.. This is why sometimes I have a hard time feeling bad for most people
X My wife is mad at me just because I didn't open the car door... I guess I just panicked and swam to the surface.
X I just heard that Paul McCartney is throwing a fit now that he realizes his new wife spends twice as much on shoes as his last wife....
X I think as part of the lap band surgery process you should have to fly to Ethiopia,,, and tell 10 people what it is and why you need it.
X My doctor told me that I'm healthy enough for sex but he thinks it would ruin our relationship,, and since things are already kinda strained ......... No..
X This bottle of beer is not only delicious,,,, It also contains almost 10% of my daily requirement of beer...
X The guy behind me has a theory that driving his car up my arse will make the 20 cars in front of me speed up.. Hmmm,, It's just crazy enough to work.
X Hmmm,, So what you're saying, is that if the parrot is on his right shoulder,,, he's a butt pirate?.. Ummm, I'm only here to get my parking validated.
X Give a man a fish,, and with MY LUCK,, he'll heat it up in our office microwave.
X This just isn't working out.... I think we should start being other people.
X I think I want to start today with a nutritious bowl of oatmeal,,, Cause it'll prepare me for all of the other disappointments the day will provide.
X If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, YOU'LL FIND SOME WAY TO BLAME ME FOR THAT TOO, WON'T YOU, SUSAN?
X Umm,, Why does everyone in Cracker Barrel look like the cast of Mama's Family?
X I know it's hard to tell,, but Chewbacca actually trims his pubes.