andrew jackson Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon Basically the way it works is I tell myself I'm not going to eat too much and then I eat too much.
←Rate | 12-26-2013 08:00 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon There are two kinds of people in the world- those I'd catch during a trust fall and those I wouldn't.
←Rate | 08-15-2013 06:34 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
←Rate | 03-17-2014 06:53 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon A handful of almonds is a sensible snack to throw in someone's face & demand where the real snacks are
←Rate | 05-09-2015 16:05 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Every time you have McDonald’s as a kid, it’s a victory. Every time you have it as an adult, it’s a defeat.
←Rate | 08-25-2014 05:25 by andrew jackson Comments (2)  


   messageicon This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
←Rate | 11-13-2014 05:40 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon “Dude things are messed up with Syria.” “Yeah. I hope she performs better in iPhone 6.” I have stupid, really stupid friends
←Rate | 04-09-2014 05:28 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Coworker asked me to lunch and I didn't have the heart to say no so I planted drugs in his desk and got him fired.
←Rate | 10-03-2015 09:54 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon My guess is that roughly half of the U.S. economy is based on making commercials for auto insurance companies.
←Rate | 11-12-2014 05:45 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I've learned anything from Facebook, it's that everyone has a birthday
←Rate | 10-16-2015 12:02 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Don't MAKE me turn this beat around!" — Gloria Estefan yelling at her kids
←Rate | 03-02-2015 06:09 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Before smartphones I remembered phone numbers. Like lots. Of all my friends and family. Was I Rain Man?
←Rate | 03-21-2016 11:35 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Each cigarette you smoke takes six minutes off your life. A friend of mine was such a heavy smoker he actually went back in time.
←Rate | 11-07-2013 20:57 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon If a girl is puking I will always hold her hair back. That way I can aim her head and use her as a vomit gun.
←Rate | 07-20-2013 08:30 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just saw the fattest Dalmation ever. It was huge & had these teats that were almost touching the ground & it made a weird bark, like "moo"
←Rate | 07-07-2014 05:11 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon The internet completely changed the way I avoid doing stuff
←Rate | 09-19-2015 07:38 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Here is my panic room. Over there is my slightly anxious room, and next to the foyer is my complete mental breakdown room.
←Rate | 08-08-2015 06:12 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I always try to cheer myself up by singing when I get sad. Most of the time, it turns out that my voice is worse than my problems.
←Rate | 09-08-2014 05:23 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing, to let me know when I am wrong.
←Rate | 04-26-2015 08:43 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed on them
←Rate | 08-23-2014 06:25 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  



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