Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.
←Rate | 12-29-2017 07:57 by Funny Comments (1)  


   messageicon With the rise in self-driving vehicles, eventually there will a Country and Western song about your truck leaving you too.
←Rate | 06-23-2017 08:45 Comments (2)  


   messageicon Why is it that people who are the loudest about demanding respect are the ones who have done the least to earn it?
←Rate | 09-27-2017 07:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My Wife says I talk while I sleep..........but I'm skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it
←Rate | 12-08-2017 04:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let's just keep it in the carton, ok?
←Rate | 01-02-2018 19:55 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to a 7 yr old silently standing in the bed over me at 5AM
←Rate | 10-19-2017 23:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Now that the government has re-opened I guess I have to stop removing these mattress tags
←Rate | 01-23-2018 15:07 by markf Comments (0)  


   messageicon I want my tombstone to read; "I don't know where ya’ll gonna get your laughs now"
←Rate | 03-25-2018 06:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Maybe the mattress stores could tell us when they are NOT having a sale
←Rate | 03-28-2018 22:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've come to the conclusion that the things I most desire in life are illegal, very expensive, fattening, bad for my health, too young for me, or married to someone else.
←Rate | 04-19-2018 14:43 by JohnY Comments (0)  


   messageicon "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. " Mark Twain.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 23:37 by Mark.Twain Comments (0)  


   messageicon One of the circus freaks of the future will be the incredible non-tattooed man!
←Rate | 06-20-2018 13:35 by dj Comments (0)  


   messageicon Whenever someone tells me a Knock-Knock joke, I sit there quietly and pretend I'm not at home until they leave.
←Rate | 09-18-2018 07:42 Comments (1)  


   messageicon They told me I’d never be any good at poetry because I’m dyslexic, but so far I’ve made two jugs and a vase!
←Rate | 10-11-2018 06:26 Comments (3)  


   messageicon Earlier this morning, I was invited to join an XXX Facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really really big shirts.
←Rate | 07-19-2017 07:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
←Rate | 11-22-2017 02:45 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon People don't want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.
←Rate | 11-17-2017 06:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You can’t play it safe and have fun; but with fun, there comes a price.
←Rate | 11-26-2017 04:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Shouldn't there have been at least one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel's mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man's shed?"
←Rate | 07-11-2017 09:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon 5000 years of eating bread and now all of a sudden everyone's allergic to gluten? WTF?
←Rate | 08-02-2017 07:45 Comments (1)  




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