Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Lady Gaga, Demi Lovato, Hillary Duff and Beyonce say they are sending their prayers to Houston. I feel like such a jerk. All I sent was money.
←Rate | 08-29-2017 13:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You can’t say that President Trump hasn’t Tweeted you well.
←Rate | 12-01-2017 19:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it's under the couch in the other room.
←Rate | 03-09-2017 04:54 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
←Rate | 01-11-2017 22:42 Comments (1)  


   messageicon When a cashier asks if you found everything you were looking for, take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, "I have now."
←Rate | 08-17-2017 08:41 by Moose42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Menage a trois- French for disappointing two girls at the same time.
←Rate | 04-04-2017 07:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Let's be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
←Rate | 07-16-2017 07:15 by huck Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just bought a JVC LCD 4K 3D UHD TV. The rest of the alphabet was out of stock.
←Rate | 08-23-2017 14:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A person who says that sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me. Has never been hit with a large dictionary.
←Rate | 09-03-2017 02:50 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.
←Rate | 09-10-2017 04:39 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
←Rate | 09-14-2017 14:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sure I will read Hugh Hefner's obituary. But only for the articles.
←Rate | 09-28-2017 16:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I try to take one day at a time but sometimes several days gang up on me all at once.
←Rate | 10-16-2017 09:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Question for the 84 year old widow who just won the Mega Millions jackpot: Sup, girl?
←Rate | 01-06-2018 13:41 Comments (3)  


   messageicon I went to the doctor because I couldn’t stop listening to Tom Jones. He told me it’s not unusual
←Rate | 01-07-2018 14:37 by MWC Comments (1)  


   messageicon One day all of your earthly possessions will be destroyed ... that day comes when your child turns 2
←Rate | 01-10-2018 18:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Better vote right on all the left stuff and left on all the right stuff every ten minutes. I’m extremely immature.
←Rate | 11-17-2017 02:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If the earth was flat, cats would have pushed everything off of it by now.
←Rate | 05-12-2017 10:18 by koolfingaz Comments (10)  


   messageicon Parallel lines have so much in common, it's a shame they'll never meet
←Rate | 05-16-2017 09:51 by Dp Comments (1)  


   messageicon I don't care how important you think you are. You should do what you learned in kindergarten and be patient and wait your turn.
←Rate | 06-22-2017 08:27 Comments (0)  



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