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X If you think it's necessary to judge me by my past, don't get mad when I put you there.
X Facebook: A place where all your past mistakes will eventually try to befriend you.
X Why isn't there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"
X I don't drink about you anymore.
X Next time you try talking to a group of people who claim they can't speak English, just say, “Ok, I'm about to punch everyone who's shoes are untied.” You'll be amazed at how many people will look down.
X has reached the age where I can't function without my glasses, especially when they're empty.
X When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.
X Hey, people who have those long ass names on FB like, "Kiesha HatersGonnaHateButI'mJustGonnaKeepOnBeingaBoss Jenkins," CUT THAT SHlT OUT!
X I'm making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I'm accurate, how do you spell your name again?
X I think Jerry Springer should moderate the next debate.
X I only hate the people in front of me while checking out at the store. Everyone behind me is cool.
X The show "Toddlers and tiaras" was named that way because "Strippers in training" and "Mothers with self esteem issues" just wasn't as catchy.
X Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by vodka last night...
X The amount of fun I have on a night out is directly proportional to the number of items I cannot locate the next day.
X Never wear a G-string backwards while doing jumping jacks........ and I don't want to talk about this anymore...
X When my teenage son needs a lesson in humility I take him to the grocery store and make him go in and buy toilet paper, tampons, Preparation H, Vagisil and anti-diarrhea medication and make him pay for it with change.
X 99% of relationships involve tolerating how weird the other person is.
X Some parts of the world use Facebook to overthrow evil dictators. Me? I just want you all to know how delicious my sandwich is.
X After sending a risky text, a minute feels like an eternity.
X That feeling when your ex reappears as a single mother with a child, and you immediately start doing the math.