flinnie Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon To convince my boss that I'm keeping busy, I periodically yell "YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME?" into my phone, then slam down the receiver
←Rate | 08-17-2013 07:45 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Constantly losing socks in the laundry but finding change. So logically there has to be a sock fairy.
←Rate | 08-12-2013 08:09 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Can Walmart be a feeling? I think that's how I feel today.
←Rate | 08-12-2013 08:04 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Found a bear in my garbage. Why would someone throw out a perfectly good bear?
←Rate | 07-29-2013 07:45 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you eat seafood can you go swimming right away?
←Rate | 07-29-2013 07:44 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Getting lots of admiring looks in my new denim short-shirts and halter top.
←Rate | 07-23-2013 15:39 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon FACT: The cops will just throw you in the back of the squad car like they didn't even hear you call shotgun.
←Rate | 07-20-2013 08:30 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm glad people are exercising but I want to see cooler activities posted on FB. Like "I spent 1 hour wrestling a bear. 110 calories burned."
←Rate | 07-17-2013 12:09 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Blood is thicker than water but maple syrup is thicker than blood so technically pancakes are more important than family.
←Rate | 07-03-2013 07:55 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon It'd be hilarious to release a gorilla in a gorilla suit at the mall and see the look on security's face when they pull off the mask.
←Rate | 06-30-2013 23:20 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Whenever I drive past the psychic's empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.
←Rate | 06-24-2013 07:58 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon A baby's laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it's 3am. And you're home alone. And you don't have a baby
←Rate | 06-11-2013 06:05 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon To feel more relaxed I go to my job interviews naked. I tell the guy "just picture me in a three piece suit and you'll feel less nervous."
←Rate | 06-09-2013 07:08 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon I feel ready to face the world as a responsible adult now that I've taken today's gummy vitamins.
←Rate | 06-02-2013 08:11 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon The generation of today are so allergic to everything, future wars will be fought by throwing bags of peanuts and cat hair at each other.
←Rate | 05-31-2013 06:14 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon You can't make me believe there's a shortage of jobs in this country when there are 23 cash registers at WalMart and only 3 cashiers.
←Rate | 05-26-2013 08:10 by flinnie Comments (1)  


   messageicon My day always feels a lot more productive when I think about all those forest fires I prevented.
←Rate | 05-26-2013 08:03 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Kind of wish I didn't choose the thug life, everyone's really mean.
←Rate | 05-22-2013 06:35 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon If anyone ever texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from state farm"
←Rate | 05-22-2013 06:34 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Got a tattoo that's says "mom". My mom got a tattoo that says "what". We're tattoo texting.
←Rate | 05-14-2013 07:28 by flinnie Comments (0)  



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