father OR dad Funny Status Messages

   I need to do something reproductive today. Happy Father's Day

   Anyone who says single moms don't do both roles of a mother & father when the father doesn't spend time or money with his children is THE DEAD BEAT we are referring to!!

   Just sent out 200 text messages to random phone numbers saying "Happy Father's Day! I'm pregnant!" Now listening to the police scanner for my daily entertainment.

   Happy Father's Day to all the single mothers who do both roles due to dead beat dads.

   The celebration of single moms on fathers day blows me! Single moms do some amazing things but being a father isn't one of them.

   Still no Fathers Day card from my kids. Just because they are short, furry and talk funny is no excuse....it's hard being a single father.

   Dear Dad, thanks for not pulling out. Happy Father's Day!

   Just woke my kids up and told them, “It's Father's Day! Where's my present?” They just started crying.

   Happy Father's Day to all the Dads who went out to get some milk, & actually came back home.

   If I can just make it one more day without some kid that I've never seen before wishing me a happy father's day this weekend will be a success.

   A handprint in clay is a great Father's Day gift from a three year old. Kinda creepy from a thirty year old, though.

   Most kids are taught the normal 'Birds and the Bee's'! Not me I was traumatized! My father explained it to me by showing me a male and female outlet. To this day everytime I plug something in I get all worked up And dont let even show me an extension cord

   Just posted a hundred Father's Day cards, signed 'Your Secret Lovechild' to all the men in my neighborhood. Now all I have to do is hire a bus and pay a visit to the local orphanage to set Stage 2 of my plan into motion...

   Police officer: "license and registration" Me: "DO YOU KNOW WHO MY FATHER IS!?" Police officer: No Me: "me neither".

   It's weird how all the floor around my father is made of eggshells.

   Have you ever just stopped and thought... "I was once inside my father's balls" ( ._. )

   People joke about Bieber Fever. Don't - Sigourney Weaver Fever killed my father.

   As a father to 2 sons & a grandfather to 2 grandsons,, I often find myself torn between.. "Don't ever do that again" and " Ahh,Good one!"

   Struggling with Impostor Syndrome a lot lately. I guess I just need to relax, take a breath, and remind myself that my father was the Czar.

   A father's goodness is higher than the mountain, a mother's goodness deeper than the sea.