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X My kids outgoing voicemail message says,," I'm sorry I won't come to the phone right now. It's 2012. LEARN TO TEXT."
X I just won an award for being lazy,,,It even came with atrophy
X There's got to be ALOT of pressure on Adele's new boyfriend to treat her like sh*t.
X In order to catch a cab,,,,, one must think like a cab first.
X You see,,, Once you start making Freudian slips, you can't stop,,, it's just one after a mother.
X If I ever saw an amputee being hanged,,,,, I'm pretty sure I'd just start yelling out letters
X Ever wonder how many of your friends are jerks? Just post something with a typo in it..... It's like their mating call.
X Benadryl -- the $7 babysitter.
X I'm surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I've dropped my phone.
X Pizza Hut is selling a pizza with hotdogs in the crust???... Aren't the type of people who order this,, the same people who aren't able to waddle quick enough to answer the door?
X Ummm,,, I just tried to make a donation to the "Tourette Syndrome Foundation" in England,,,,, and they told me to Sod off.
X says You know,,, The first rule of redundancy club, is the first rule of redundancy club.
X We have a very small hen house door,,,So you've probably guessed already...Sorry,, no fat chicks
X says I wish I had a dollar, for every dollar I don't have.
X Spelling bees think they're better than the illiterate bees.......... ( Sorry, I'll just let myself out..)
X NEWS: Scientists discover that doves can't cry............ Prince stripped of high school diploma.......
X Right before I die, I'm getting my hand stamped,,,,, Just in case I wanna come back in again.
X I want an app. that tells me if my post sucked,, or my timing did.
X My Superpower is always picking a shopping cart with "the one crapped-up wheel" ..... Anyone wanna help me design a costume?
X Please take the time to get to know me via my Facebook page. I think you'll like what you find. For example, I can type.