@clarkysj Funny Status Messages

   What does Spurs, Arsenal and Paul McCartney have in common? They all get excited over one leg.

   A late Valentines Day card fell onto my door mat this morning. I put it straight in the bin because I knew exactly who it was from. It was my postman, I saw him down the driveway, only seconds later.

   The price for fags have been increased by 37p. One Direction tickets now cost £40.37

   My girlfriend was really as she's just won a makeover. "It's just like that show on Channel 4!" she beamed... "What, Scrapheap Challenge?".

   'One Direction's Zayn Malik vows to ditch the fags' - I didn't know he was planning on starting a solo career.

   I've been trying to teach my mate how to play golf recently but the problem seems to be his drive. His wife stands on it and doesn't let us out.

   Yahoo News; 'Two Sharks Attack Diver' Nice to see FIFA have toughened up on the punishment!

   What do you call a robot that wears sh1t clothes? - Optimus Primark.