Funny Status Messages for Facebook

X says They say dolphins are the second smartest animal after humans, but I've never seen a dolphin with a face tattoo.

<--Rate | Submitted: 05-22-2013 00:46 by Zinc Comments (3)

X is Dear girl in Walmart, Yes it is summer but your shirt and shorts are way too small and you look like a half opened can of biscuits. Sincerely, The guy in line behind you clawing out his eyeballs..

<--Rate | Submitted: 04-13-2013 07:04 by Michael askins Comments (0)

X This week's weather forecast: Sweaty underboobs.

<--Rate | Submitted: 05-20-2013 15:03 by BigSarge Comments (0)

X is Never compliment a lady on her mustache no matter how magnificent it is

<--Rate | Submitted: 04-06-2013 23:56 Comments (0)

X My favorite hobby is to add my neighbors' wireless printer to my PC and print a document that says I'M INSIDE YOUR HOUSE AND COMING FOR YOU.

<--Rate | Submitted: 05-09-2013 20:50 by HiYourJon Comments (0)

X says Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.

<--Rate | Submitted: 05-07-2013 06:13 by flinnie Comments (0)

X says I love how my George Foreman Grill separates the grease and fat, so I have something to dip my burger in.

<--Rate | Submitted: 05-12-2013 10:26 Comments (0)

X Why do porn sites have a Google+ option? I don't want my friends knowing I use Google+

<--Rate | Submitted: 05-01-2013 01:08 Comments (0)

X says When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.

<--Rate | Submitted: 05-12-2013 20:35 Comments (0)

X says I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.

<--Rate | Submitted: 05-16-2013 01:06 by Baddie Comments (0)

X says If you mean sleeping, then yes, I'm great in bed.

<--Rate | Submitted: 03-02-2013 01:42 by Anita2010 Comments (0)

X I always wear a wedding ring when I go grocery shopping, so everyone thinks my cart full of groceries are for a family of 4 instead of just me

<--Rate | Submitted: 03-19-2013 08:24 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)

X says Hugh Hefner- 87 years old, has 27 years old wife; Berlusconi -77 years old, has a 27 years old girlfriend; Maradona- 52 years old, has a 22 years old girlfriend. Moral : Don't worry that you don't have a girlfriend or wife, your's probably isn't born yet.

<--Rate | Submitted: 05-15-2013 05:59 Comments (0)

X I kinda just had kids to have somebody to watch cartoons with.

<--Rate | Submitted: 05-12-2013 20:59 by snotty Comments (0)

X I got a letter in the mail saying I was pre-approved for a Walmart Credit Card. Not sure if I should be honored or ashamed.

<--Rate | Submitted: 03-07-2013 20:21 by Nunthewizr Comments (0)

X says My level of sarcasm has reached a dangerous level where even I don't know if I'm kidding or not.

<--Rate | Submitted: 04-21-2013 12:33 by Kisstopher Comments (0)

X I knew she was about to say something intelligent because she began with, "You once told me..."

<--Rate | Submitted: 05-05-2013 12:32 by Aaron Comments (0)

X says I want you all to know, if I win the Powerball tonight.... I'm still going to show up to Facebook tomorrow.

<--Rate | Submitted: 05-15-2013 18:11 by sully Comments (0)

X says 11th Commandment: Thou shall not gossip about other people’s lives when you are not doing any better yourself.

<--Rate | Submitted: 04-01-2013 04:32 Comments (0)

X says Feeling tired as you struggle to get through the day? There's a nap for that.

<--Rate | Submitted: 05-06-2013 16:16 Comments (0)