Funny Status Messages for FacebookThousands of statuses to update your Funny Facebook Status, Twitter status, or profile.
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X says They say dolphins are the second smartest animal after humans, but I've never seen a dolphin with a face tattoo.
X is Dear girl in Walmart, Yes it is summer but your shirt and shorts are way too small and you look like a half opened can of biscuits. Sincerely, The guy in line behind you clawing out his eyeballs..
X This week's weather forecast: Sweaty underboobs.
X is Never compliment a lady on her mustache no matter how magnificent it is
X My favorite hobby is to add my neighbors' wireless printer to my PC and print a document that says I'M INSIDE YOUR HOUSE AND COMING FOR YOU.
X says Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
X says I love how my George Foreman Grill separates the grease and fat, so I have something to dip my burger in.
X Why do porn sites have a Google+ option? I don't want my friends knowing I use Google+
X says When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.
X says I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.
X says If you mean sleeping, then yes, I'm great in bed.
X I always wear a wedding ring when I go grocery shopping, so everyone thinks my cart full of groceries are for a family of 4 instead of just me
X says Hugh Hefner- 87 years old, has 27 years old wife; Berlusconi -77 years old, has a 27 years old girlfriend; Maradona- 52 years old, has a 22 years old girlfriend. Moral : Don't worry that you don't have a girlfriend or wife, your's probably isn't born yet.
X I kinda just had kids to have somebody to watch cartoons with.
X I got a letter in the mail saying I was pre-approved for a Walmart Credit Card. Not sure if I should be honored or ashamed.
X says My level of sarcasm has reached a dangerous level where even I don't know if I'm kidding or not.
X I knew she was about to say something intelligent because she began with, "You once told me..."
X says I want you all to know, if I win the Powerball tonight.... I'm still going to show up to Facebook tomorrow.
X says 11th Commandment: Thou shall not gossip about other people’s lives when you are not doing any better yourself.
X says Feeling tired as you struggle to get through the day? There's a nap for that.