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X Who the hell invented Bull Riding? "Hey, I'm gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal...Time me!!!"
X How many times do I have to say "excuse me" before "get the f*ck out of my way" becomes acceptable?
X I hate when I'm admiring my good looks from a car's window reflection and the people inside think I'm staring at them.
X Hate it when girls make me do the walk of shame in the morning. So embarrassing circling my own apartment waiting for them to leave.
X I just watched Back to the Future Part II and not once did I see a person walking around staring at their smartphone.
X Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it’s strapped to the top of someone’s car.
X I farted on the bus today and 4 people turned around. I felt like I was on The Voice!
X In life, it seems the group of people who are easily offended and the group of people who are easily confused tend to be the same group.
X If you're not fully satisfied with your life, do something about it. Or complain about it on the internet. Whatever.
X is Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is worse than giving birth. Girls often say, yeah I'd have another baby. Guys never ask to get kicked in the nuts again.
X I don't argue with people who I can remove from my life by pressing a button.
X If a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
X If I make intense eye contact with you as I yawn, I'm basically saying, "This one's for you, you boring motherf*cker."
X "Hello modelling agency?" "Yeah, my Facebook photo has 27 likes and I think I'm ready to go pro."
X That'll teach the bltch to keep the house in the divorce... Before I left, I set 3 white rats free in the house with 1, 2, & 4 written on their backs.
X My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn't have sex.
X If you can't tell the difference between delivery and Digiorno then you're an idiot.
X Received a wrong number call at 6am. I now have them on speed dial to drunk dial at 2am.
X In 1987, my teacher made me write 'I must hand my work in on time' five hundred times. Pointless activity, if you ask me, but anyway... I'm finally done.
X You've never been truly drunk until you've had to use a barstool as a walker to get home.