Funny Status Messages



Sort:  Recent   |   Oldest   |   Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump


Search Messages:
Page: 1 of 5863

   messageicon Sorry for writing "Everyone makes mistakes" in your wedding guestbook.
←Rate | 07-12-2019 14:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Epstein likes his women like he likes his scotch. 12 years old with coke.
←Rate | 07-13-2019 23:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don’t like the term “dad bod”. I prefer “father figure”
←Rate | 07-12-2019 22:18 by PosterBoy Comments (0)  


   messageicon Before writing "Thanks but maybe next time!" I should make sure those Facebook invides aren't for a wedding.
←Rate | 07-14-2019 14:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain.
←Rate | 07-15-2019 06:29 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I was a kid, selfies used to be called narcissism.
←Rate | 06-17-2019 11:06 by Moon Comments (0)  


   messageicon Silver Lining: A 350 credit score prevents Identity theft! just saying
←Rate | 11-10-2018 22:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I need a leaf blower, but for people.
←Rate | 09-06-2017 14:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When you work hard, save your money, go out and buy that expensive thing you've always wanted, then your lazy friend says "Must be nice."
←Rate | 02-26-2019 06:42 Comments (2)  


   messageicon Somebody clearly missed the opportunity of a lifetime when they called the game Mario Kart instead of Mario Speedwagon.
←Rate | 02-26-2019 11:04 by HotTea Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Goodbye, everyone. I'll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
←Rate | 09-28-2017 08:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people's mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
←Rate | 07-10-2019 13:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Shouldn't there have been at least one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel's mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man's shed?"
←Rate | 07-11-2017 09:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. " Mark Twain.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 23:37 by Mark.Twain Comments (0)  


   messageicon That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn't get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn't brushed her teeth in forever
←Rate | 04-13-2018 05:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why do recipes say to "preheat oven?" Shouldn't it just be "heat oven?"
←Rate | 02-21-2019 11:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When a guy says "I'm Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.
←Rate | 09-16-2017 22:22 Comments (1)  


   messageicon A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer. That's all.
←Rate | 12-08-2017 11:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Don't Kid Yourself" would be a great advertising slogan for a condom company.
←Rate | 06-18-2018 08:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon As a parent you always worry that you want to raise your children to be productive members of society......and then you go to Walmart.
←Rate | 01-19-2018 17:27 Comments (0)  




Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Name:
Status Message:

... characters left