unknown comic Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon It took my decades to sleep soundly knowing that rhythm will not in fact get me, tonight or any night
←Rate | 07-17-2017 08:23 by unknown comic Comments (0)  


   messageicon 'Flashdance' gave me unrealistic expectations about how hot welders would be
←Rate | 07-16-2017 20:17 by unknown comic Comments (0)  


   messageicon I love ruining the plot of Dorian Gray for people. Never gets old.
←Rate | 07-06-2017 08:02 by unknown comic Comments (0)  


   messageicon I will admit, my statuses sound a bit different when read aloud by the prosecuting attorney.
←Rate | 06-05-2017 16:18 by unknown comic Comments (0)  


   messageicon Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don't think it's a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
←Rate | 05-29-2017 07:24 by unknown comic Comments (0)  


   messageicon Opening a restaurant calling it: New Pho, Who Dish?
←Rate | 05-23-2017 05:53 by unknown comic Comments (0)  


   messageicon Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
←Rate | 03-31-2017 04:16 by unknown comic Comments (0)  


   messageicon Science: About 71% of the Earth's surface is covered by water Parents: The rest is covered by Pokémon cards, Legos, and something sticky
←Rate | 03-18-2017 06:19 by unknown comic Comments (0)  


   messageicon I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I'm being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I'm talking about
←Rate | 03-12-2017 07:15 by unknown comic Comments (0)  


   messageicon Every time I read an inspirational tweet, I'm genuinely saddened when I get to the end and there's no punchline.
←Rate | 03-10-2017 07:06 by unknown comic Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't even like typing this, but can we all agree that the spelling of "diarrhea" is nearly as gross as the symptom?
←Rate | 03-10-2017 06:59 by unknown comic Comments (0)  


   messageicon Fun Christmas prank: give your mom a new iPhone then refuse to help her set it up
←Rate | 12-24-2016 10:36 by unknown comic Comments (0)  


   messageicon Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
←Rate | 12-03-2016 05:11 by unknown comic Comments (0)  


   messageicon What if every opossum you saw on the side of the road was faking it?
←Rate | 11-16-2016 04:59 by Unknown comic Comments (0)  


   messageicon 5 Stages of Grief: 1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Complaining online 4. Complaining online 5. Complaining online
←Rate | 11-10-2016 05:49 by unknown comic Comments (0)  


   messageicon After tomorrow we'll no longer be hating folks because of their candidate. We can go back hating them for how they eat, or what movie they like
←Rate | 11-07-2016 04:13 by Unknown comic Comments (0)  


   messageicon Day one of my waffle cleanse
←Rate | 11-03-2016 05:54 by unknown comic Comments (0)  


   messageicon Got a white noise machine. Not sure how listening to people talk about GoT and pumpkin spice will help me sleep
←Rate | 10-25-2016 05:37 by unknown comic Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hangman is a great tool to teach children that if you can't spell a word, someone could lose their life because of their ignorance
←Rate | 10-21-2016 05:20 by unknown comic Comments (0)  


   messageicon Password security questions allow me to relive all of my childhood traumas. "Who stood you up for Senior Prom and how did your first dog die?"
←Rate | 10-21-2016 05:11 by unknown comic Comments (0)  


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