MBH Funny Status Messages

   Of all the advice given to me over the years, "There really is no bad time for a beer" has proved to be the most helpful. Thanks ma.

   A watched pot never boils. But an unwatched pot boils dry and burns. Is there a happy medium?

   The best don't-drink-and-drive message ever would be if the Budweiser blimp crashed into the Goodyear blimp during a game.

   One of my pet peeves is women who don't put the toilet seat back up when they're finished.

   With a name like "Earl," I'm more afraid this hurricane will get drunk and beat a pregnant woman, than I am that it will cause flooding.

   I'm feeling so good today, I'd like to ask you to high-five the person next to you and tell them it's from me.

   Does all this updating my Facebook status make my ego look fat?

   I'm not saying our schools suck, but after one day of sex ed, my kid thinks single parents are the result of masturbation.

   The lack of a secret handshake makes me question the strength of our friendship.

   When someone says, "Expect the unexpected," I like to punch them in the face to express my agreement.