shuttdogg Funny Status Messages

   My girlfriend said bringing toys into the bedroom would spice up our sex lives... So I double fisted her with a set of Hulk Hands.

   I say: Ron Jeremy for President..."You're gonna get screwed anyway, might as well get screwed by a pro.

   Things I don't like: 1) Probably you. 2) Cold coffee. 3) Small talk. 4) Mondays. 5) Having small talk with you on a Monday while my coffee is getting cold.

   febreeze- because your house smells like weed and your parents will be home any minute.

   Facebook would be way cooler if it was on t.v. : "In other news Brian's ex-girlfriend is still a cold, heartless b!tch. Details at 11".

   just got college letters from the marines, navy, army and coast gaurd. Well obviously somebody has been watching me play Call Of Duty...

   I used to be a looker when I was younger. Or a peeping Tom as the girls used to call me

   I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.

   My wife told me she was going to leave me if I didn't quit making Linkin Park references. Slightly concerned, but in the end it doesn't even matter

   cavemen were posting on walls before it was cool