@HiYourJon Funny Status Messages

   I love Sundays, because my Italian grandmother cooks THE BEST crystal meth.

   Heard a girl just say that she "literally died". So she's either a zombie or too stupid to live. Either way, I threw a stapler at her.

   Todays a perfect day to walk down the street dressed as Santa Clause while holding a bottle of Jack Daniels, sobbing & yelling  "You guys forgot about me!"

   One time when I was 8 years old, a bear wearing a hat came up to me in the woods and told me ONLY I could prevent forest fires. Why he chose me, I will never know.

   The criminals on Scooby Doo suck! A bunch of teenage stoners and a DOG just solved your crime. I think you need a new line of work my friend

   I'm waiting for Joseph Kony to make a YouTube video advocating against jerking off in public.

   A fun thing to do when leaving the Zoo, is too start frantically running and yelling "OMG they've all escaped!"

   Once in a lifetime - a person comes along and changes everything. I am not that person. But I did meet him once and acted awkward when I was around him.

   Yesterday was the second day, of the second week, of the second month, of the second year, of the second decade, of the second milliennium = Twoception

   If the Pillsbury Doughboy goes outside on a really really hot day, does he turn into a biscuit??