Funny Status Messages

   There are people who think the moon landings were staged, the holocaust never happened and the earth is flat. Yet they hang on every word on the message found inside a fortune cookie.

   I like staying home, because as soon as I step outside, I spend $100.00

   Someone should’ve tried domesticating bears 10,000 years ago. We really missed the mark with that one. Could be cuddled up with a bear right about now, but whatever.

   According to my chocolate calendar, there are only three days left until Valentine’s Day.

   You don’t like being treated the way that you treat others? That must really suck.

   Just got a booty call from life, apparently it still wants to keep screwing me.

   Trillion-dollar propaganda machine vs. people putting funny words on pictures.

   Never interrupt your opponent while he's making a mistake.

   You can’t change someone who doesn’t see an issue with their actions.

   I’m like an avocado, I’m only pleasant for a short period of time and it’s up to you to figure out when that is.

   If you’re not happy single, try dating apps. You’ll still be single, but you’ll appreciate it a lot more.

   When you’re in psychology class and you learn about the disorder you have.

   Keep rolling your eyes, you might find a brain.

   Friendly reminder to put all current boyfriends and girlfriends at the edge of family photos so that they and easily be cropped out later.

   Octopuses are just wet spiders.

   Places finger on cop’s lips ~ “Shhh…. We were both speeding, okay? I forgive you.”

   When you’re tired of your cat showing you it’s butthole so you show it yours.

   Everyone I know is a “snack getting stuck in a vending machine” away from total collapse.

   When today’s safety meeting is about what you did yesterday.

   When a man says he’ll do anything for a woman, he means fight bad guys and slay dragons, not dishes and vacuuming.