Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon Common sense is so rare this days, it should almost be classified as a superpower
←Rate | 01-17-2018 03:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Anyone says their wedding day was the best day of their lives has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine
←Rate | 01-18-2018 06:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I bought an orange blanket. Now if I am late for work I can wrap it around me and say I was just rescued by the fire department
←Rate | 01-18-2018 21:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon As a parent you always worry that you want to raise your children to be productive members of society......and then you go to Walmart.
←Rate | 01-19-2018 17:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon All houses made out of wood are tree houses.
←Rate | 01-19-2018 23:52 by JCGJ Comments (0)  


   messageicon My ex told me to get some of those tablets that should help me get an erection.........should have seen her face when I tossed her the slimming pills
←Rate | 01-20-2018 04:06 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Unless he releases a men’s fragrance, I think Elon Musk should be ordered to legally change his name.
←Rate | 01-19-2018 21:41 by Cicci Comments (0)  


   messageicon You people can keep blaming your weight or tight fitting clothes on the holidays if you want, but I am not going to lie to myself, most of you were Fat in December too
←Rate | 01-20-2018 04:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Burned almost a thousand calories with the treadmill today. Moved it into the basement, that sucker is heavy!
←Rate | 01-20-2018 14:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Society is going to judge you anyway, so do what makes you happy.
←Rate | 01-20-2018 17:20 by Justathought Comments (0)  


   messageicon The longer you wait for something, the more you appreciate it when you get it.
←Rate | 01-20-2018 17:32 by Justathought Comments (0)  


   messageicon This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date so after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents' house
←Rate | 01-01-2018 20:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It’s time for a new holiday, where people give gifts they don’t want.
←Rate | 01-01-2018 04:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.
←Rate | 12-29-2017 07:57 by Funny Comments (1)  


   messageicon I must be getting old. Since when does 2 to 4 inches of snow become a winter storm warning? Back when I was a kid, we just called flurries, and we complained it wasn't enough to even have a good snowball fight, let along close schools.
←Rate | 12-24-2017 18:25 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (2)  


   messageicon Why is it that people who are the loudest about demanding respect are the ones who have done the least to earn it?
←Rate | 09-27-2017 07:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.
←Rate | 12-04-2017 12:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.
←Rate | 12-20-2017 05:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I text I use the word duck a lot. Mainly because auto-correct is a ditch.
←Rate | 12-29-2017 07:39 Comments (3)  


   messageicon 30 years later and my Cabbage Patch Kid still has no clue that he's adopted.
←Rate | 01-08-2018 17:44 Comments (0)  



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