andrew jackson Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon Life before the internet was awful. Your friend would be wrong about a trivial issue during dinner and you just had to let it go
←Rate | 07-23-2017 08:28 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I have nothing to update. I'm just making it look like I'm doing something at a party so people won't talk to me.
←Rate | 07-16-2017 07:10 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Take the number of letters in your last name and divide that by your pin number. What answer did you get? That's correct.
←Rate | 07-06-2017 08:10 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon A large portion of my day consists of rushing frantically to places I don't really want to go to.
←Rate | 03-27-2017 05:53 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it's under the couch in the other room.
←Rate | 03-09-2017 04:54 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
←Rate | 11-03-2016 06:03 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon It only takes one person to ruin it for everyone...Be that person.
←Rate | 11-03-2016 06:00 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Shoutout to the American voters for narrowing our options down to the jerk from 'The Apprentice' and the inspiration for 'House of Cards'
←Rate | 08-13-2016 16:17 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wish I were full of tacos instead of emotions.
←Rate | 07-24-2016 07:38 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
←Rate | 07-24-2016 07:35 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Ah, my youth: We sang praises to our processed meat products. Bologna had a first name. We all wished to be wieners. It was a gentler age.
←Rate | 07-10-2016 06:31 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Shocked by the 16% approval rating of congress held by Americans in June 2016. That can't be right. Who are these psychos in the 16 percent?
←Rate | 07-02-2016 07:29 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm not hard of hearing. I'm tired of hearing.
←Rate | 05-20-2016 19:16 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I read that cucumber slices over your eyes reduce puffiness and wrinkles but they just made me drive into a tree
←Rate | 04-03-2016 19:38 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Texted my wife "Nooooooo!" but it autocorrected to "Mooooooo!" and now I can never come home
←Rate | 03-21-2016 11:41 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm here to do three things: learn how to count and fight people who call me a liar. And buddy, I already learned to count.
←Rate | 03-21-2016 11:39 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon FACT: They'll never give me control of the church bells and even if they do I’ll abuse it and lose the privilege so fast.
←Rate | 03-21-2016 11:38 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Before smartphones I remembered phone numbers. Like lots. Of all my friends and family. Was I Rain Man?
←Rate | 03-21-2016 11:35 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I used to think the word "ostracized" was "ostrich-sized" and I was always like: "Good! Keep that bird-bodied weirdo away from me!"
←Rate | 03-13-2016 20:49 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon There should be a wrestler whose finishing move is taking the other wrestlers out for a nice steak dinner, they work hard & they deserve it
←Rate | 03-13-2016 20:45 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


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