Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon With the ban on straws what's left to grasp?
←Rate | 08-17-2018 10:04 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Do gun manuals haue a trouble shooting section?
←Rate | 08-18-2018 06:05 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon "what did he say?" "Who is she?" "What just happened?" ( Repeat 30 times and you just watched a movie with my wife.)
←Rate | 08-20-2018 11:44 by Stevielea Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them.....
←Rate | 08-18-2018 18:37 by BobbyT Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm sure getting kicked in the balls is more painful than pregnancy. How many men do you hear say in 12 months, "I want another one!"
←Rate | 08-20-2018 08:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't "get even" or hold a grudge anymore, I take naps
←Rate | 08-20-2018 15:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Living alone is pretty cool, I don't even know if my bathroom door closes
←Rate | 08-20-2018 15:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon What are children born in a brothel called? Brothel sprouts.
←Rate | 08-20-2018 20:13 by Haha Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you work Security in a Samsung store does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?
←Rate | 08-07-2018 06:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why do speed walkers look like kids who are told not to run around the pool?
←Rate | 06-03-2018 14:11 by Jsabbage Comments (0)  


   messageicon People who read tabloids deserve to be lied to.
←Rate | 07-25-2018 21:12 Comments (2)  


   messageicon Cleaning all the straws out of my glove box cause I would not want any straw sniffing dogs to find my stash!
←Rate | 08-07-2018 11:20 Comments (3)  


   messageicon " I hate it when people radiotype us blondes as dumb."
←Rate | 08-16-2018 22:17 by Haha Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you put the words "Let's see who reads this" at the beginning of your post it virtually guarantees that I won't.
←Rate | 08-08-2018 07:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.
←Rate | 04-10-2018 13:52 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
←Rate | 06-22-2018 11:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.
←Rate | 07-18-2018 07:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "I'm great at spelling bees. But hopless at spelling other words."
←Rate | 08-15-2018 20:52 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "We are not even close." -Romans building Rome, end of first day.
←Rate | 05-04-2018 09:01 Comments (1)  


   messageicon The object of golf.... is to play the least amount of golf.
←Rate | 07-24-2018 21:01 by BobbyT Comments (0)  


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