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X says Ladies, always keep a V-8 in your car in case you're pulled over so you can pour it over your crotch & say "I need a tampon please let me go."
X says There are so many better reasons to riot other than hockey... like a shoe sale!
X says Calling all my ex girlfriends today to tell them I have herpes. I don't really have it, I just don't want any of them to sleep with other people.
X says There'd be less accidents if there was a texting lane.
X says just bought a new pack of socks to avoid doing laundry tonight.
X says Love...it takes hostages and shows zero remorse.
X says The best way to win an argument is to play dead.
X says It's rush hour and a million people are going West and a million are going East. We should either swap jobs or swap houses
X says I've only been outside for 5 minutes and I already feel like I have mayonnaise in between my butt cheeks
X says Life is like art done in chalk, beautiful but temporary, enjoy it while possible.
X says Whose idea was it to "be an adult?"
X says Real men like curves; Only dogs like bones.
X says just rescued some wine.. it was trapped in a bottle. I saved the day!
X says Thongs are like barbed wire fences. They protect the property, but don't block the view.
X says I lost my balance crawling into bed and leaned my head on the ceiling to prevent from falling over.
X says To ensure you never cut yourself while chopping vegetables, get a friend to hold the vegetable.
X says We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like, for example: "I'm bored, lets go brush your teeth!"
X says My phone used to say things like "3 missed calls" and now it says things like "nobody even thought about calling you."
X says Don't think too much. You'll create a problem that wasn't even there in the first place.
X says Mother Nature can be cruel sometimes. If I ever meet her I'm gonna snatch her purse. Old B*tch