Markf Funny Status Messages

   Almond milk? I didn't even know almonds had nipples.

   We need a montage of dads trying to order for the whole family in drive-thrus

   Laugh now, but one day you will be so mad when another car cuts you off and you shake your fist out the window at some robot driver

   I have learned to protect myself against identity theft by keeping a low credit score and no money.

   Actually I don't think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.

   One of the great things about having kids is that you can check your pulse using the veins on the side of your head

   I just got a gig as lead singer for my car.

   If you are surprised that Facebook may be selling your data then you are the reason hairdryers come with the warning, "Do not use in shower"

   I wonder if Batman ever looks up in the night sky at the Bat Signal and says, I told him to just text me.

   The grocery store in my neighborhood needs to repaint the parking lot near the door to show where the "Just Lazy" parking is.

   The last scene in Titanic with Jack and Rose wasted so many opportunities for a good knock-knock joke

   I think the best way to fight insomnia is redecorate my bedroom to look like Ms. Stewart's 10th grade math class

   If David Letterman moves to Canada, does he have to change his last name?

   Last night my refrigerator opened my bedroom door, walked in and stood there and stared at me for a few minuntes, then left and closed the door

   I think my dog needs training school because he rudely yawned in the middle of my stories.

   Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space

   Now that the government has re-opened I guess I have to stop removing these mattress tags

   Yes, your smart devices can talk to each other now and they are giggling about you behind your back.

   I've got an idea for a house flipping show but it's just me watching my kids demolish every room

   Maybe they could add a little pop-up saying "Are you sure? This action cannot be undone" before sending an important message like NUCLEAR MISSILE ALERT YOU ARE ABOUT TO DIE