Goober Peas Funny Status Messages

   I believe I'm now at the age where wishing for something really hard and pooping your pants is pretty much the same thing ツ

   Holiday Tip #37: Eat asparagus around the holidays. If you're anything like me, the green combined with the red in the toilet lends itself to a wonderful bathroom holiday ambiance

   I think I read somewhere that there will be no farting in heaven, but I bet it's still a really cool place ツ

   I was going to make one of those Bitstrips cartoons, but then I decided to pick the lint out of my belly button instead. I'm pretty sure I came out ahead ツ

   Walking calmly and nonchalantly to the bathroom and then fighting to get my britches down in record time so's I don't poop down a pant leg seems to be among my most recent list of super powers today. Life is good ツ

   How disappointing! I've been hearing all month about 'Shart' week coming up on the discovery channel and it turns out it's nothing but a movie about a bunch of stupid fish ツ

   Doing a 'selfie' actually means something quite different than what I had originally thought. Sorry weird stranger, whom I called a 'sticky handed monkey pounder'. My bad ツ

   If I had a Burrito Supreme for every time this stupid toilet got plugged up… I probably wouldn't have a plugged up toilet ツ

   I don't always drink and drive, but when I do, I make sure the kids are strapped safely in their car seats. That's called responsible parenting ツ

   I love going for walks in the rain. You can pee your pants and no one will be the wiser ツ