andrew jackson Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon Remember, if you're in public and have the winter vomiting bug, be polite and vomit into your elbow.
←Rate | 01-22-2013 10:52 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I went to jail as a teenager and I cried the whole time. Haven’t played Monopoly since.
←Rate | 03-11-2013 06:25 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I were a sheriff in the old west, I'd make some "WANTED" posters that said "NOT INTERESTED" so insecure outlaws would just come to me.
←Rate | 03-16-2013 08:12 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Alanis Morissette sang about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. Question: why do you have 10,000 spoons?
←Rate | 03-21-2013 06:31 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Playing dead on the couch all day in case a bear attacks. That's not lazy, that's proactive.
←Rate | 03-23-2013 05:53 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I got kicked out of the supermarket for comparing apples and oranges. Manager said "you can't do that cause it would be like co..forget it."
←Rate | 03-26-2013 06:36 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon And with the official start of baseball season today, the Chicago Cubs have already been eliminated from the playoffs.
←Rate | 04-02-2013 06:35 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I know you think saying you need everything "ASAP" makes you seem important, but really it makes you seem like you can't plan.
←Rate | 04-04-2013 05:52 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I ain't sayin she's a gold digger, but she ain't messing with no broke white guy who's afraid to finish the rest of this lyric.
←Rate | 04-18-2013 06:18 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I refuse to celebrate Earth Day until Wind & Fire are recognized.
←Rate | 04-23-2013 06:16 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon To any babies out there, I'm impressed that you can read this.
←Rate | 04-24-2013 06:22 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon No offense DiGiorno, but if someone cooks a frozen pizza at home and confuses it with a person delivering a pizza, they might be insane.
←Rate | 05-10-2013 06:27 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon The best reply to "I love you" is "Well that's a terrible idea."
←Rate | 05-14-2013 06:26 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just before I wrecked myself, I had the sense to chickity check myself.
←Rate | 05-19-2013 09:07 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon FUN FACT: Only one word in the English language is ever pronounced correctly, and that word is correctly.
←Rate | 05-22-2013 06:32 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.
←Rate | 05-22-2013 06:35 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Christopher Walken talks like he swallowed too many commas.
←Rate | 05-23-2013 06:12 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Kissing burns 6.4 calories per minute. Wanna workout?
←Rate | 05-27-2013 08:33 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon She walked into the bar like she owned the place. She was like, very concerned with potential health and fire code violations. It was weird
←Rate | 05-29-2013 06:40 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you love something, set it free. Maybe not dogs with rabies though. Or killer bees or pretty much any domesticated animal into the wild. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don't love anything.
←Rate | 05-31-2013 06:17 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


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