Susan Funny Status Messages

   My left nipple is 3 minutes slower than my right at hardening.

   There's no statement as powerful as a man crying. I guess I should stop hitting him.

   I read an article about women being over thinkers. I've thought about it for a week. I definitely don't fall under that category.

   I'm high tolerance and low maintenance. What more could you ask for in a girlfriend?

   Playing with my hair will get you anything you want.

   As a woman, I always take good care of my eyes coz they are the only balls I have.

   Has anyone seen my shake weight?

   I just want a man who knows the difference between… Its/It's… Your/You're… Two/To/Too… Their/There/They're… and eats my pu$$y like a pro.

   If we're standing there kissing and my hands are in your pants, I'm what you'd call a sure thing.

   I want to be the reason you pee in six different directions every morning.

   There will be no sandwiches after sex. There will be either sleep or death. Enough with the sandwich talk.

   No matter how independent I am, I can never bang myself...So yes men, I still need you.

   Tonight I'm going to have my favorite drink. It's called "a lot."

   Girls pick jerks over nice guys the same way guys pick sluts over cool girls.. we are all idiots.

   All alcohol will make my clothes fall off... tequila just makes that happen in public.

   Dear Tequila, Why do you make me so angry and so horny all at once?

   Light beer is for pregnant women and p ussies!

   Nothing shows over-familiarity like leaving just your socks on.

   When I was young, I wanted to date a doctor for money. How superficial was that? Now it would be for the prescriptions.

   It's normally a combination of things that cause bad decisions. The tequila, lime, salt combination is the most common.