shuttdogg Funny Status Messages

   cavemen were posting on walls before it was cool

   Facebook would be way cooler if it was on t.v. : "In other news Brian's ex-girlfriend is still a cold, heartless b!tch. Details at 11".

   febreeze- because your house smells like weed and your parents will be home any minute.

   What Would Dexter Do?

   Congratulations!! You are the 100th person to view my status. To see your prize please click Control + W.

   just got college letters from the marines, navy, army and coast gaurd. Well obviously somebody has been watching me play Call Of Duty...

   My girlfriend said bringing toys into the bedroom would spice up our sex lives... So I double fisted her with a set of Hulk Hands.

   I used to be a looker when I was younger. Or a peeping Tom as the girls used to call me

   If you are that a$$hole that honks the second the light turns green , I'm the sumb1tch that will sit there and update my Facebook.

   Next time someone asks you who pissed in your cheerios. Tell them I did it.

   I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.

   I say: Ron Jeremy for President..."You're gonna get screwed anyway, might as well get screwed by a pro.

   When I get multiple friend requests on MySpace, my pager goes crazy.

   My wife told me she was going to leave me if I didn't quit making Linkin Park references. Slightly concerned, but in the end it doesn't even matter

   To do list: 1. Poop. 2. I can't do anything until I poop.

   Things I don't like: 1) Probably you. 2) Cold coffee. 3) Small talk. 4) Mondays. 5) Having small talk with you on a Monday while my coffee is getting cold.

   ____ is thankful that I don't have a "swear jar" today. That son-of-a-b!tch would be filled right to the top.

   This fake headache sure feels like me leaving work early. 

   Are they selling Tapout shirts by the pound now? That, or all these chubby kids in the mall actually ARE cage fighters...

   I can't believe the plural of moose isn't meese