manbearpig Funny Status Messages

   Did I already post my Alzheimer's joke?

   ...it's not you, it's me. I don't like you

   It's been exactly a year since I quit drinking. And 364 days since I started again.

   People keep telling me the right man will come along. I think mine got hit by a truck.

   thinks there should be a Facebook button that says "I liked your status until every man and his dog decided to comment on it".

   What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Virgin Mobile.

   How come when you open a can of evaporated milk, it's still there?

   just stole this status from someone who stole it from someone else.

   My doctor asked me if I drank to excess. I told him I would drink to anything.

   blocked you from my news feed. I don't care how many mobsters you've iced, that you found a pink sheep on your farm, or that you've redecorated your virtual apartment.

   If your phone doesn't ring, you'll know it's me.

   fed up with all the emails I keep getting on how to enlarge my penis, particularly since I'm a woman...so I've forwarded them to my ex.

   "Someone's been eating my porridge!", said Father bear. Mother bear sighed and poured him another bowl. Life was tough and draining for her, now that her husband was suffering from Alzheimer's.

   always wanted to be somebody. Now she realises that she should have been more specific.

   feeling politely confrontational this evening. Would anyone care for a piece of me?

   Don't look at me in that tone of voice!

   kinda likes ceilings. Maybe I'll become a fan.

   thinks if you have a chip on your shoulder, you're missing your mouth.

   A man walks into a library and says, "I hope you don't have a book on reverse psychology".

   not remotely sober. Nor am I sober up close.