Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I’ve done some terrible things for money...... Like getting up early to go to work. ‬
←Rate | 06-17-2019 09:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Besides my good looks, honesty, charm, witty personality and my incredible sense of humor I have to say that my greatest characteristic is my modesty.
←Rate | 06-16-2019 14:29 by Moon Comments (0)  


   messageicon Like this status if you're the type of person who likes to carry all your groceries into your house in one trip, but then realize at the front door you have so many bags in your hands you can't get the keys out of pocket.
←Rate | 06-16-2019 14:59 by Moon Comments (0)  


   messageicon As a parent you always worry that you want to raise your children to be productive members of society......and then you go to Walmart.
←Rate | 01-19-2018 17:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I’m “you can only play video games on channel 3” years old.
←Rate | 12-11-2017 04:37 by huck Comments (0)  


   messageicon The only thing actually impossible in life is taking a picture for a group of women and having ALL of them like it.
←Rate | 09-08-2017 07:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I love Fall.... Unless it's Cold, Damp and Dark. Then I hate Fall.
←Rate | 09-10-2018 06:55 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
←Rate | 05-05-2019 13:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Nothing you can ever accomplish will make your parents any happier than the first time you slept through the night.
←Rate | 06-11-2019 06:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.
←Rate | 12-20-2017 05:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Say what you want about Pee Wee Herman. At least hes one actor that actually kept his hands to himself.
←Rate | 12-03-2017 23:23 Comments (2)  


   messageicon Shouldn't there have been at least one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel's mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man's shed?"
←Rate | 07-11-2017 09:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I need a leaf blower, but for people.
←Rate | 09-06-2017 14:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.
←Rate | 06-08-2018 18:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon All I ask is that if we arm the teachers, that the librarians get silencers.
←Rate | 02-23-2018 14:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You ever read a girl status and wished someone would just treat her right so she'd just stfu
←Rate | 08-30-2018 12:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why do recipes say to "preheat oven?" Shouldn't it just be "heat oven?"
←Rate | 02-21-2019 11:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Me: She really needs to calm down. Alcohol: You should tell her.
←Rate | 05-17-2018 23:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Watching all these Hollywood people pretend they didnt know about Weinstein is some of the best acting they’ve done in years
←Rate | 10-12-2017 13:30 by CrackY Comments (0)  


   messageicon When a guy says "I'm Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.
←Rate | 09-16-2017 22:22 Comments (1)  




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