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X Any amusement you may have experienced from my past posts are in no way a guarantee of future performance.... Please initial here and sign here.
X According to my current parking spot I'm a physician
X We all lose if CBS doesn't film the next Survivor aboard a Carnival Cruise Ship.
X I'm not a psychologist,,, but I remember when a Hot Wheels track magically cured 80% of ADHD
X I always take a number at the deli, and I've been keeping them.... Eventually I'll have all the numbers and it will always be my turn
X Hope I never go to jail,, because I haven't memorized a phone number since 2003.
X I gave my 1yo a chocolate covered raisin. she chewed, paused, then gave me a look that told me she will never trust another human being again.
X Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
X Hey, NSA,,,, if you're going to read my posts, would it kill you to like them?
X My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now.............Wait, That's not my waiter
X After 31 free samples,, I decided I wasn't really in the mood for Baskin Robins
X I can't wait for summer in Canada............. I hear it's gonna be on a Saturday this year
X I find it highly suspicious that the three bears had the dexterity to buy furniture and make porridge in the first place.
X I'll be po$ting telepathically today.. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
X When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It's done, but there's blood everywhere!"
X We are so fortunate not to live in China,,, they have to hide their posts in cookies.
X If you see a porcupine in your yard, that's my cat and we're not done with our accupuncture session.
X I keep a xylophone on me at all times,, just incase I have to tip toe anywhere
X Put glitter on top of all your friends ceiling fans blades........... Wait till summer... Enjoy!
X My 6yo thinks it's bullcrap that grown-ups don't get a summer break.