andrew jackson Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it's under the couch in the other room.
←Rate | 03-09-2017 04:54 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I have nothing to update. I'm just making it look like I'm doing something at a party so people won't talk to me.
←Rate | 07-16-2017 07:10 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'd like to give that Baltimore mom 10 min alone with Congress and a wooden spoon.
←Rate | 04-29-2015 12:18 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I'm just cooking!"
←Rate | 05-22-2015 05:12 by andrew jackson Comments (2)  


   messageicon My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.
←Rate | 07-15-2014 04:37 by andrew jackson Comments (3)  


   messageicon Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
←Rate | 09-07-2013 07:20 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I would like to learn one of those clicking languages from Africa because I get the feeling my knees are trying to tell me something.
←Rate | 01-12-2015 05:47 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon If being successful was an amusement park, I'd be the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can't get out.
←Rate | 03-19-2015 14:00 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hangman is a great game to teach kids that if they don't learn how to spell, they could be put to death.
←Rate | 06-20-2015 16:53 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon can operate a robot on another planet, but yet I'm still struggling to get this vending machine to take my wrinkled dollar.
←Rate | 09-15-2013 07:32 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That's my kid telling a story.
←Rate | 01-26-2016 08:19 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Math question: There are 36 Oreos in a 14.3oz package. If Mike eats 3 of those cookies, how many minutes before he's like screw it and eats the rest?
←Rate | 03-02-2015 06:10 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I’ve set my “life goals” to stuff I’ve already done so literally every day now I’m overachieving. It’s all about perspective.
←Rate | 03-11-2014 05:24 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…"Lose weight now" ...”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.
←Rate | 10-25-2014 19:10 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon So, what are all us fortunate people complaining about today?
←Rate | 12-06-2014 06:44 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hi, welcome to adulthood! You’ll be constantly tired except for right before you need to go to sleep
←Rate | 04-08-2015 05:30 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn't stop that murder.
←Rate | 01-23-2015 12:22 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon We'll look back someday and realize the rise of the machines began with automatic toilets flushing before we're done.
←Rate | 10-05-2013 07:24 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon every machine is a smoke machine if you use it wrong enough
←Rate | 09-04-2013 11:10 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon my life is like Jurassic Park but with no dinosaurs, just the part about a fat guy who resents his employer
←Rate | 12-27-2014 07:24 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  



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