Tim Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon Sometimes I go out and dig a hole in the back yard in the middle of the night just to freak out the neighbors.
←Rate | 07-03-2013 15:38 by Tim Comments (0)  


   messageicon When you are a kid, it makes you proud when someone says "Wow! You’ve gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
←Rate | 07-03-2013 15:38 by Tim Comments (0)  


   messageicon I bet the YMCA dance is a lot harder to do in Chinese.
←Rate | 07-03-2013 15:36 by Tim Comments (0)  


   messageicon I’ve often wondered what an atheist would do if stuck behind a car that wasn’t moving at a green light and had a bumper sticker on it that said "Honk if you love Jesus."
←Rate | 07-03-2013 15:35 by Tim Comments (0)  


   messageicon I measure my life in WTF's-Per-Hour. I'll probably get a speeding ticket here shortly.
←Rate | 07-03-2013 15:32 by Tim Comments (0)  


   messageicon The answer to the Westboro Baptist Church protests of military funerals is to aim the 21 gun salute at them.
←Rate | 07-03-2013 15:31 by Tim Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dear Curiosity: Just put the gun down and let's talk this out. Sincerely, The Cat.
←Rate | 07-02-2013 18:48 by Tim Comments (0)  


   messageicon If a little kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
←Rate | 07-02-2013 18:38 by Tim Comments (0)  


   messageicon I once dated a girl who owned a parrot. That crazy thing would never shut up. The parrot was kind of cool, though.
←Rate | 07-02-2013 18:32 by Tim Comments (0)  


   messageicon Whenever I see a bruised apple at the market, I give it a soft hug and gently whisper "Who did this to you?"
←Rate | 07-02-2013 18:31 by Tim Comments (0)  


   messageicon My grandfather was one-half Cherokee. When he danced it got partly cloudy.
←Rate | 07-02-2013 18:29 by Tim Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dear women, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest eat a banana.
←Rate | 07-02-2013 18:24 by Tim Comments (0)  


   messageicon Whenever a bird poops on my car I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just to let them know what I'm capable of.
←Rate | 07-02-2013 18:22 by Tim Comments (0)  


   messageicon Beyonce, Rihanna and Katy Perry sent prayers to the victims of the Oklahoma tornados. I feel like an idiot now, I only sent money.
←Rate | 07-02-2013 13:13 by Tim Comments (0)  


   messageicon What is the job application at Hooters like? Do they give you a bra and say "Here. Fill this out."?
←Rate | 07-01-2013 22:28 by Tim Comments (0)  


   messageicon Remember: A butt dial and a booty call are two entirely different things.
←Rate | 06-25-2013 21:13 by Tim Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've seen squirrels having seizures with more brains than you
←Rate | 08-18-2012 12:22 by Tim Comments (0)  


   messageicon Boys she's not a whore she's just more friendly then most...
←Rate | 08-18-2012 12:20 by Tim Comments (0)  


   messageicon Slut? Weeeeell, let's just say she's had more d1ck ends than weekends.
←Rate | 08-18-2012 12:15 by Tim Comments (0)  


   messageicon Your as useless as a snow blower in August!!
←Rate | 08-18-2012 12:07 by Tim Comments (0)  


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