Gripenfelter Funny Status Messages

   I’ve decided to raise my kids gender neutral. Not because I’m embracing any LGBTLMNOP agenda but more because I like buying stuff on sale.

   Ah yes, it's that wonderful time of year between Christmas and New Years that I like to call "The Festive Perineum".

   It's my birthday! I'm finally at that age where I can switch from health food to preservatives.

   If I was a cr4ck addict, I might drive to another state to drop off a laptop and then forget about it.

   Sometimes I stay awake at night wondering… How long did it take Cinderella and the Prince to realize you can’t base a relationship on shoe size.

   My wife is a wild animal in bed. And by that I mean she's more afraid of me than I am of her.

   I don't know why people see a stutter as being a negative thing. I love people with stutters. It's like they're giving you a drum roll before they start talking.

   My dad said I would always go down in history. He was right. I also fingered a girl in geography.

   I say we legalize all drugs at the Olympics. Let's see how fast these MF's can run!

   Damn, it's hotter than a spoon at Hunter Biden's house outside.