CS Funny Status Messages

   if Mitt Romney is an Etch-A Sketch, then Rick Santorum is a Betsy Wetsy and Newt Gingrich is an EZ Bake Oven.

   shouldn't *India* be the country that celebrates Columbus Day? Think of all the syphilis they avoided because that dude could not navigate his way out of a kiddie pool.

   hopes that when the machines rise up against humanity, his toaster remembers all the good times.

   my oven doesn't need a self-cleaning mode; my *bathroom* needs a self-cleaning mode.

   to the two men who laughingly dismissed the cute blonde walking in front of us because "she's got muffin top": SO DO YOU, you just cleverly hide your early-30s pudge in those relaxed-fit Dockers you're wearing. P.S. You are balding.

   fears Hurricane Earl, but only because it sounds like the prison nickname of a man wearing overalls who beat someone to death with a banjo.

   when I go to Starbucks and the cashier asks me my name so the barista can call out my order, I say "Latte."

   went to Benjamin Moore and learned that her skin color is Pueblo Sand. Which is too bad, because we're in a race war with the people who are Classic Taupe.

   at Camp Crystal Lake, getting drunk with her best friends and running around in her underwear, and holy crap did anyone else hear that noise?

   once blinded someone with science, which, unfortunately, turned out to be an A-class felony.